No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to get it right. I say things like, "my heart is in the right place", "I was only trying to help", "I don't get it, she never messes up like me". Sometimes I feel as if I can't get it right.
Why do I think I shouldn't fail?
Perhaps, it because I live in a culture where success is worshiped. However, failing is actually something God allows us to experience. He wants us to not just be obedient to Him,but to totally trust Him and experience His true, unconditional love. The love that can only be experienced when we trust Him.
I have always desired to serve God. Even more than have a relationship with Him, my desire was always one of earning His love by doing. Basically,it is a warped works mentality. True love "does", I would reason in my heart. How can I love God if I am not willing to serve, sacrifice and suffer. While, I would agree that God's grace is fully experienced when we are relying on Him through difficult times and places of suffering, I don't believe, my God willingly gave up everything to die in my place for my sin, my selfish, self-seeking, self-centered desires so that I would just feel obligated to Him. Instead He gave it all so that I might experience an amazing, passionate love relationship with Him.
My marriage would be quite miserable if all my husband did was serve me, take all my sufferings upon himself and feel the need to do things for me but never enjoyed just being with me. What makes my husband so amazing is that he tells and shows me regularly that I am his choice, I thrill him, I am fun to be with, I make his life richer and he feels lucky to have married me. That is what makes my heart sing. Because, without that, all the serving and suffering on my behalf would leave me feeling empty and unsatisfied. (I must admit however, his help with the household duties is wonderful, but hopefully you get my point).
The Holy Presence of God dwells, lives, inhabits, resides in me. He is walking with me, and me with Him. He never leaves, He is always there. I am not alone. I am not on my own. I should experience all the fullness and blessings that come with my godly inheritance, right now, right here. His Kingdom is here right now. I am not awaiting something to come. I can know it now.
How is it that I am missing it? Why should I ever feel empty, discouraged or lonely?
That million dollar question has a simple yet profound answer. It brings us back to the question that the serpent was posing to Eve. It wasn't just about her becoming like God. No, in his craftiness (which we are warned about) He was asking her to doubt God. Had she chosen to trust her relationship with God, she would have realized, "God loves me and I can totally trust my relationship with Him. He wouldn't lie to me, he wouldn't keep good from me. He loves me and everything I need He has and will provide".
So why did God let Eve fail? He let her choose not to trust Him at that moment and therefore fail in such a way that it would not only change her life, but affect all of His creation forever. Only in her failure would she realize that God alone is trustworthy. He would never fail her. Yes, she would fail Him, but He is God and could never fail her. He never fails, never leaves, never stops loving, never condemns and never hurts us. He is The Way, The Truth and The Life. All I need, all that will bring me satisfaction, joy, peace and true living is found in Him.
That should be like a virus that is so contagious, that everyone in my presence would immediately become infected by His Love.
Heavenly Father, keep me from getting so wrapped up in being a "good child" that I miss what you really died to give me. Love that enraptures and captures me in such a way that decisions come easy, serving just happens and loving others isn't a "choice" or even an "option", but rather a way of life.
Thank you for letting me fail. If it takes me to a place of fully trusting You, I know that by letting me fail, you are only drawing me closer to yourself. A place I long to be.
