I have since learned, as my dad always would say, "Life isn't fair". While I love that Americans believethat all our dreams can come true, with a little hard work and determination and that you can make a great life for yourself it seems to cost of that can sometimes be to high. True, we have so much opportunity and possibility in our American world. However, I have seen in my life and others, that women especially, are no longer content to just be at home, just be a mother, wife or homemaker. The world around us calls us out to be more. Even in our churches, we can feel pressure to be a "successful" Christian and if we aren't careful we can become undone, unless we put boundries around our lives and families.
I have wanted to publicly share my struggle with an awful condition called depression. During an over 3 year period of dealing with it, I found my self hopeless. I would talk to friends, hoping to find some answers or reasons as to why I was in that place. Many would tell me I was doing too much. I would always have an excuse as to why I had too. I have written previous posts that tell about our family, especially how we expanded not only our numbers, but our actual home. In a nutshell, the energizer bunny as I believed myself to be, couldn't handle all that I took on. Some was out of my control but some was not. I always believed I could handle anything, despite the observation from friends that I was attempting to do way too many things. Honestly, I liked being busy to some point. It may me feel needed and wanted. I would learn and am still learning that I was looking in the wrong place for what was already given to me. See, I "knew" I was dearly loved by God, I knew he sacrificed everything to reconcile me from my brokenness due to my sinful self. But, because He offered it free and didn't make me earn it, Grace seemed too simple. I grew up a Baptist and I was use to rewards and ribbons and prizes for doing the right things. I quickly equated that doing good things meant rewards and recognition. I liked those kudos. Surely God must be impressed by how I was living my life now, right? The guilt of falling short in my works of being all the right things to God and others was a burden that I could not bear. Being someone who like to garden, I knew that these symptoms represented a "root" cause. Until, that root was found and removed, like crabgrass, its tenacles would spread of out control. And, so they did.
The physical damage was evidence of my spiritual problem. The whispers I finally agreed to acknowledge were: slow down, you are doing too much, let some things go and the loudest one, "Be Still and Know that I am God". Last summer, when I was literally laid up due to bizarre issues, God was able to speak directly to my heart. He revealed that I was chasing after good things, but missing the best thing. I needed to just get in the Word and let Him speak to me. Its funny when you are desperate, how open you are to hearing God. His living water filled me. It nourished my soul and gave me back hope. I decided that I don't want to be chasing after anything but Him. I want to have boundries that keep me from drifting away from my source of life. I love a song that says, "I need you Jesus to come to my rescue, where else can I go. There's no other name by which I am saved, capture me with Grace...I will follow you." I had never been captured by His Grace before. I thank God for bringing us to a church family where Grace was not only communicated from our pastor every single Sunday, but also demonstrated when I finally decided I needed step down from responsibilities. I was so grateful that I was told I needed to take time to get better and that they cared more about me that what I could do for them. Never before had anyone previously to this make me feel it was okay to not feel okay. I am grateful for the two women that poured healing waters over me. (thank you Angie and Vicki).
I was on Amazon one day and saw a book called, "Not a Fan". This book helped me understand the difference of following Christ and not just being a Fan of His. There is a huge difference. I was so encourage and convicted through this principle I told God, I wanted to be "All In". I either wanted to be a true Christ follower or not call myself a Christian. It seems hypocrisy consumes our world now, its root is deception, whose root is Satan. I didn't want to be deceived any longer.
One practical step I looked into was what possible physical effects were a result of living on the edge. I had blood work done and started some therapy that I believe has repaired the results of being stressed out. This has greatly helped to bring back my energy and alertness. The fog was clearing. I must comment here... because we all are multi-faceted, we have to address all the parts of the wonderful creation we are. God has made us not only spiritual beings in His image, but we are physical, emotional, mental as well. I used to not allow myself to believe that. I thought everything was just a spiritual issue and if I got that straightenend out the rest would follow. And, it did. Mine occured because I humbled myself to listen to the advice of wise physicians that knew how I am physically wired. I thank God I was able to get the help I needed physically but that would only be temporary if the spiritual relationship with God was not correct.
I never believed I would thank God for the depression in my life. I was angry and resentful during the dark days of this condition. I felt like I didn't deserve this condition. Now, when I read that ...God knows the plans He has for us and...He makes all things work together for good for those who are in Christ Jesus, I know that He can, that He will and that He already has.
I am a pretty outgoing person,I love people. love being with others and long for community with others. I am a true extrovert which made living like an introvert during tough days not pleasant. Also, knowing that there might be days ahead when the auto-immune condition I have isn't in remission and may physically change my state of being, I have to be prepared to live out these verses that have carried me through this far. I know joy even when circumstances aren't fun. I know peace when life is in total chaos. But, most of all, I know my Savior, the lover of my soul loves me unconditionally. If I never "do" another thing" for Him, or attempt to "please" Him in anyway, I am loved and accepted Him no matter what.
My whole desire in writing this, is to encourage anyone out there that feels alone in this. I did. I didn't think anyone could even begin to relate to what I was dealing with. It can be a very lonely place. I hope and pray you can believe God for deliverance in His timing. Realizing it will be good one day. That you may look back and say, "okay this really is hard right now, but I will trust you God that you will use it for good". He will!!
