Tis the season...to lose it! UGH!

I've struggled through this holiday. I was trying to NOT get caught in the tyranny of the urgent, to avoid the stress of getting the right gifts for the kids or making sure I was spreading it all out equally while resisting urges to surcome to all the marketing and "must have-great deals, one time only". Well, its another year when I must have unconciously sold my self control for a bargin on Craigslist and I'm not positive, but I think my resolve is lost somewhere online with free shipping.

I wish I could say that my heart made a u-turn and my flesh was revealed for what it really is when I confessed my weaknesses to God and allowed His grace to heal me. Instead, I acted like a bitter,resentful angry elf. I was snapping at my very generous husband, making him feel guilty for wanting to give gifts to his children. I ridiculed and fought with my beautiful 14 year old whose energy and joy just annoyed me. Emotionally, I was a wreck. My ADD was running wild with a vengeance just looking to attack someone for making me feel so overwhelmed and I really wanted to run away.

I desperately was trying in my own strength to be happy. But, I teetered between fun and furious. Also,as a good mom does, I was reminding everyone (in a rather biting tone) to be thankful and mindful of Christ and the holiday we celebrate. But, my erratic actions spoke louder than my words. So, I medicated myself with web-surfing and distraction while shutting down the small, still voice in my heart that was whispering: "It's okay, I understand and most of all...My birthday is a reminder to you of my love and sacrifice. I didn't come to comdemn the world (or you) but to save you - even from yourself." (Becky's amplified version). See John 3:17-21.

As I layed in bed, exhausted and embarrassed, I asked God, "what do you say, Father, what can you do with this wretched, confused heart. I hate the way Christmas has become a stressed filled time of year, when those of us with so much go out and buy more stuff to fill our already full homes. Why can't I be thankful for the blessings you have poured out on us? We give alot away, but still it just doesn't seem like we do enough. In a twisted way, no matter what I say or think, we have too much and most of the world has too little. I feel torn, what is yor response Father. I don't want to justify my way of life, but you have put me in this culture, how do I navigate through it?
A verse that came to my heart surprised me.
Phillipians 4:12-13 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

I love the living word of God! Sadly, I struggle not with being without, rather with having too much! For some reason, while growing up in church, it seems I gleaned out of religion, unhealthy doses of guilt. Guilt that I "have" and others don't. Guilt that life is not fair and somehow I am part of the problem. Therefore, I don't know how to be in a state of "abounding" and be content. (don't be fooled by that humble sounding statement). Just being American makes me "rich" on so many levels. After seeing poverty and need, on mission trips, I have struggled with my guilt and being content as an American. This verse clears up for me, that God doesn't want me to live in a state of guilt, but contentment! Paul was a religious wealthy Jew, he says he "learned" the secret of contentment. This would imply that it doesn't just come naturally as a Christ follower. So, perhaps I'm still in school and haven't learned the "secret" yet. But, like Paul I know God will reveal it to me. Secrets are shared in intimate relationships. God has already spoken to my heart, encouraging me that I can be content in the radical and mundane.

Many struggling Christians around the world pray for American Christians. Their prayer is that we don't allow our abundance to distract us from the simplicity of Christ and the gospel. The gift of our salvation. While all us as servants of the Most High will struggle in this world, this world isn't our home. We will face trials and tribulations. But, we don't have to face them alone.

Hind sight is 20/20. I have decided to evalutate what drove me to the ugliness of sin. Besides the obvious struggles in my flesh, I didn't plan very well. I flew by the seat of my pants and when the trials came, like they do, I wasn't prepared for battle so, I leaned on my own resources to survive.

With a heart to heart conversation with my kids, reminding us who we are and what it is we are celebrating, as well as, deciding ahead of time with my husband what we want our celebration to look like, perhaps next year can be more honoring to the King of Glory who left His Father to become a man born in a barn.

Happy Birthday Jesus! How my heart desires to be a faithful servant no matter what my circumstances! In plenty or in need, I want to know the secret of contentment!